As the snow falls on the orange lake
Fast cars slow down to take a break
From the music that rose the moon
To the silent mornings in a lonely room
The spirit of Grey holds the heart
Walking through the waves as they part
Sand falls at the turn of the bird
For a story as old as time,yet never heard
With a touch of vodka cream
Rain failing through the final seem
Awaking the pages red and blue
Using tourture to see things anew
Circling the ball to the chain
It is the dove that remains unnmaed
For the price of a lilly is but one
As the petals fall on my empty gun

I would like to dedicate this to a person that understands ..Mel thank you

5419

I here a whisper as loud as rain
cutting splinters into my vein
there is a past I will not see
It has become far beyond you and me

Intertwining  again and again
This suffering is deserving ,yet not the same
I long for the comfort ,the regret
being a person you wouldnt forget

and yet I am forgotten in the sand
Awaiting the arrival of your hand
Yet this time I know not to hope and dream
because I have walked before on theses seems

the voices fragment into my heart of sorrow
knowing that there might not be a tomorrow
and yet I put my self through the trials of the day
just to gain a drop of happiness in any way

the blood dries as my wounds ceil
Some how I never believed it was real
over and over I am tormenting the light
knowing very well I have long lost the fight

You asked me to stand tall and reach out
but its my physical that I begin to doubt
I am crying no tears to fall on your shoulder
but rather on to you heart , Is this Love over

 

I sit in a room full of people that don’t care
people that see me ,and stop to stare

their lives are full of emotions unwilling to be told
Yet mine are plain and open waiting to be sold
The sound of silence comforts my pain

Yet the physical connection fills me with shame
I am alone in a manner of right or wrong
Embodying the emotions of the depressive song
Help is at hand ,if I decide to take a bow
But with this suffering I am forgetting how

to live life in a way that seems rea
l from the people I meet to how they make me feel
TO much commotion brings about the greed of attention
Lost in my head, this sadness is my detention

Is it a pulse , a beat or a dream I need to breathe
Or is it simply just a need
For life unrolling has dealt me a losing bet
one a cannot control yet fear the debt

This feeling is endless in the sense of relief

Because I am the only one in disbelief

This is a rare occourance on my page ...
For once its not just me writting
here is the argument

All the things i wish i cud say to you

I wish I could say I knew why.
I wish I could tell you that I knew
because if I knew,
this wouldn't have happened
and I wouldn't have to wish I could say I was sorry.

I wish I cud say I'll be there in the morning
to help you pick up the pieces,
but instead I left the mess I made
with you
standing with broom in hand
and a bucket full of tears.

I wish I could say my heart had been with you always,
never wavered or even strayed.
I wish I could have been as strong as you
to hold on to that pain that reminds us
we're alive.

I wish I could tell you
it would never happen again,
but from experience I know that might not be true.
I wish with every fiber I could tell you
it wont happen again,
and that it would be true.

I wish my brain would stop
throwing that curtain over my eyes
so I could dig deep enough to find
words strong enough to express my regret.

I wish I had know better in life
than to put you in a corner of my mind
for even those infinitesimal seconds
when you should always be front and center.

I wish I could tell you its all going to be OK.
I wish I could be your masked superhero
rescuing you from every demon,
pain and sadness in this world.
I shudder to imagine what you have gone through,
I wish I could have blocked them all
so you could have the peaceful and happy life you deserve.
Then I die when I think about how I just added to the pile.

I wish I could say I learned from my mistakes.
I wish I hadn't run that night.
Even then, the thought of hurting you was too much to bear.
The bathroom door could not lock out the tears.

I wish I knew what was happening.
I wish I didn't hurt you.
I wish you knew how much I want you
to succeed and be happy,
even if it means my destruction.

I wish I could have met your eye
for even a single second.
I was scared that all I would find
was just an empty shell.

but most of all,
I wish I cud say
with all my heart and all my soul
through every painful second of every day without you,
i love you

My reply

the unatainable dream

you once said ,it will never be
that i should never dream of you and me
that every hope , smile and dream
would crumble at the seem

i didnt care and fought to prove you wrong
wrtting and writting to sing you the right song
but alas no avail ,
it had come to the point where i had failed

One more chance you said as you opened your arms
little did i know you would hear alarms
when on a important day i made you say
the one set of words i hold close to this day

Somehow it was lost to sea,
and you destroyed the conception of you and me
so i traveled on and made my name
thinking from then on i was the one to blame

returning home for a rest unknown
it seemed you were always on my phone
distracted and unawear i decided to take a second look
but again i find my self writting this god forsaken book

because all i won whilst away
now becomes vanurable by the day
still lost and comfused to hell
i am back at the start waiting for the bell

the challenge was set and the virtues remain
you can have what you want when you decide to play the game
forget not what was once said
some things will never change untill i am dead

but alas myths may die by the fall of a night
as i dont know if i can with stand another fight

ask me to explain
wxplaian why i cant forget your name
tell me why you wanted to say goodbye
when you know you leave me alone to die

show me how much sorry means
after all that anger i have seen
touch me to make everything ok
yet you laugh behind my bakc every day

love me because you say it will always be
somehow thats the one thing i cannot see
leave me for the thought if a better life
after promising me you are going to be my wife

you wave your hand and talk of love
goodbye my sweet , you push and shove
i now sit emotionless and in pain
knowing that the love we once shared will never be the same

****
i didnt mean to be so harsh . but thats what i wrote . not what i want to say

this is the end .

the truth has come and you know its true
i never thought i would ever say good bye to you
my strength my love the pain we share
some how i think life is being unfair

your amazing one of a kind .
just wish you could stay and always be mine
but like a dove i must let you go fly
even though i have no idea why

but still you will become more than great
doing anything you can to achive your fate
and i will stand here you will never be alone
you might be far away , but i will always answer the phone

so pack your bags with tears of joy
and remember your in the heart of b.j.foy
because you changed his life in so many ways
that there was never a lonely time in any of his days

i love you as a sister and much more than a friend
an that means i sawre its not the end
its time away where we will feel lost and in pain
the only thing i can promise is i will see you again
*******************************************************************
here i stand

i cant stop thinking ,looking into space
reminded y images ,but never your face
eating away who i have chosen to be
my mind becomes blank refusing to let me see

i never stand tall ,always looking down
turinging every emotion no matter how happy into a frown
you were once nothing but something to know
and now it seems i dont want to let you go

from something to nothing and right round again
i have a feelingnow you are more than just a perfect friend
someone who knows how it feels to be loved
the one and only who knows how to push and shove

the amount of words i write become unclear
making my depression feel prevoked y fear
i dont know you but i want that to change
keep you warm and start to feel the same

i hope to see you and keep us strong
no matter what feeling,no matter what song
i will sing to see you and feel your warmth
and let you be the ghost that my heart will haunt

************************************************************
a lonely night

i sit alone and cannot sleep
i refuse to smile as i down my drink 

my breath is cold as my hards are warm
it seems the harder i try to sleep the more i yawn

the black coffe makes it impossible to dream
my life seems pointless if you know what i mean 
 
i tend to faint and battle to maintain sight  
surprising my self trying to get into a fight

i look for love but long for so much more
but it seems i always end up on the floor

i forget how the warmth made me feel
and show some how life doesn't seem real

laughter ignors me and hate is there
my love is yours i dont need to share

yet my path is dark as it begins to wind down 
even looking up i seem to frown

you might not be here for me to see you
but i know where you live and where you are going to

you laugh and leave ,now i stand alone
i cant take it any more,not in this tone  
********************************
here i start again,again,again

your voice is all i want to hear when i fall asleep
dreaming of you and when we will frist meet
i can hear your words but not your naem
and somehow i know i am the one to blame

********************************

dont stop talking

it seems its back, and there is nothing i can do
you ask me to talk but all i can say is how are you
you need support but i am far away
you seem quite alone and afraid

i lost you twice and never again
i could never live without you ,not the same
smile and stay strong for me if you can
and i will come home and be you man

(p.s readers who dont know she left me for a thrid time after telling me she loved me . this one took me half an hour to rewrite )

*******************************************

(to be named)

i roll over and hide under the sheets
hoping it will be dark enough to sleep
but my head is keeping me awake
because all i want to have is our next date
*****************************************

sorry for the wait no existant readers but i had allot to go through and now that it seems all is done . i guess showing how the love remained even through every thing else. might help me jump off this bridge

it seemed like forvere since I have felt this feeling
its something almost impossible to describe .
she came back to me the only thing I needed in life
our moments we shared seemed to make life worth living
I had direction and was living the billionaires life
the girl the friends the job to be . what else did I need in life ?

Everything began to tumble down  int to my face
 I egan the chores of coldplay once again .
found my self sleep less and dricving through nights to familiar places to escape the truth that had become me
forever resiting lyrics it seems I have found my way back to the path I was trying so hard to get off .
I struggle to form a smile now ., sleeping has left me once more . long nights contemplating how I let sand slip through my hands again .
I spent forver finding a way . that I completely forgot where I was going .
now I see my self singing the same songs and looking in the same direction . a full cicrcle . that has left me with less of a man and more of a hopeless case in which life takes full advantage of everything I am . worthless. Ashamed and Alone.

it seemed like forvere since I have felt this feeling
its something almost impossible to describe .
she came back to me the only thing I needed in life
our moments we shared seemed to make life worth living
I had direction and was living the billionaires life
the girl the friends the job to be . what else did I need in life ?

Everything began to tumble down  int to my face
 I egan the chores of coldplay once again .
found my self sleep less and dricving through nights to familiar places to escape the truth that had become me
forever resiting lyrics it seems I have found my way back to the path I was trying so hard to get off .
I struggle to form a smile now ., sleeping has left me once more . long nights contemplating how I let sand slip through my hands again .
I spent forver finding a way . that I completely forgot where I was going .
now I see my self singing the same songs and looking in the same direction . a full cicrcle . that has left me with less of a man and more of a hopeless case in which life takes full advantage of everything I am . worthless. Ashamed and Alone.

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the never ending night mares, that fill my head.
I refuse to believe that this life is dead
and yet i torture my self with the sounds of you
the artists and albums that amount to two .

(please get two snow patrol songs to listen to before reading this : if there is a rocket tie me to it ,please just take these photos from my hand )

I song turns into a fight between a pen and paper and what starts off as a expression turns into one of my old obsessions . this is a story i cannot ignore .

The music begins to play as the crowed rises to their feet. You stand next to me as shivers run down our spines. Are hands slowly shake as they move closer. I look into your eyes an see the person i love . A sensation overwhelms me with trust and confidence  as we turn to the stage. The band runs on and you fall into my arms . the complete satisfaction and grace as we tremble awaiting the lines from the lyricist that changed our lives. The explanation of our feelings the lust that moved through love .The pace quickens as are heart beats fluster . Each word like a dagger though the heart .Never in my life have i felt so at home. The crowed begins to sway as in peace with the world . But no one is there it is just us . There is no where else in the world i would rather be than in that moment , as the tears run down your face ,the song that changed who we are runs through our veins .

I realise i have a purpose in life . That purpos4e is you . I feel like i am in a music video as i run past all these people attempting to write on the only piece of paper i can find . I don’t want stop running . If i don’t stop i can get to you . I don’t want to stop believing that you are over that hill . The way i breathe , the reason i am who i am . What i am worth , it is all coming to me . People who never realise that dont get to live . you took me away from all the pain the turmoil ,you set it aside and made me believe life is short and as short as it is made me i know where i want to spend it alone in a bed with you . opening the curtains to a day that we can tackle together . You changed me . Made me believe again that you are the one . If i have to live alone for the next 17 years just to get one step closer to you i would . Anything to get away from the feeling of you being gone . I love you because you showed me what love is .

Things are changing and i dont know why . It seems that i am walking in endless circles ,looking back to see where i came from and not realising that the my end has become my begining . to be honest i cant write now . What ever i tearing me up inside is making it impossible to write , sleep and talk.I am as blind as a bat yet afraid of not seeing the truth . for once i am going to give a half post because i honestly cannot finish this emotional struggle . i would rather leave it in the air and realise that tonight i dream alone...

It seems every one wants to live life in a fairy tale these days and i cannot blame them things are getting though and the usual realisation of the dream life is getting more and more hopefull. My dreams are becoming shorter and shorter like someone is resetting my alarm clock every five  minutes i am finding it extreamly hard to sleep . people are missing in my life things are changing and i cant seem to find a common ground any more . I find my self sitting in more and more clouds these days ,instead of dreaming to be on them . My road is winding again and a part of me is greatfull my life is beginging to work through the kinks and find a path i can sail smoothly on . Every life choice leads down a diffrent path and every one needs to fall a few times through out there life so they dont for get how to pic them selves up and push on . It seems however that my training wheels have been taking off and the light that shined behind me has stoped leading the way . Is it because i went the wrong way or because its about time i lived alone for a while ? Whatever the option i seem to still have the stars guiding me somewhere at night . Losing more than one person several times is beinging to stretch the holes in my heart letting more an more smoke escape from my simple yet complicated emotional up bringing . I have never felt so confident so in tune but so arogant and pesemestic at the same time . i need to sleep and fic theese broken dreams,walk alone in the night and find the right path . Take some time and stop looking at my watch .I wish it was easier to do than say but then what would life be about . At least i can feel the urge to write once again . Coldplay seems to hurt my ears and my pen drops to many more pages these days . I dont think it will ever be the same again though . Yet some how I think this is what i always wanted.
thanks for keeping me strong out there my non existant readers your thoughts keep me standing against this rough breeze .

i dont like sitting alone these days . I lasted more than 6 weeks with out seeing you yet time still goes so slow . Holding on to something you cant see is harder than i thought . A walk doesnt turn into a run any more . Whith out you next to me it begins to get cold out side . The words dont come so clearly any more . I might not be able to see you but i know exactly where you are . Missing you has become more of daily routine than an addiction . The smoke flowing out of my lungs doesnt seem to fill the empty space as it once did . I live every moment for the now instead of dreaming on but the second i close my eyes it all comes back to me . Taking your pictures off the wall was the hardest thing i have had to do i a while and even though the image is off the wall i always knows where it belongs and how it looks.From being ther by my side all the time to letting me go miles and miles away i never thought it would be this hard. I knew that with out you things would be diffrent i just didnt know i would find it this hard. Its hard to sleep with out a pillow and the usually eay task of resting my tired head seems to get harder every day . These last few hours however i find my self sitting on a balchony looking into the distance hoping to see a shooting sat but alll i see is the white cloudy haze i control .

THe strength i thought i once had has left me .I wish i could wake up and be home . See your smile every morning and tell you that i love you . ITs hard to try and explain as the words have left my head .I am finding it more and more difficlult to wrtie . I thought it was hard talking about love i had got back but losing it for a 3rd time is allot worse . I sit in silecne think where did i go wrong and i ramble on thinking maybe its time . Time to pick up my pen and write how i feel but instead i am left with my addiction coming right back . The haze only clouds my judgmetn more . This was my time to find my self to e the person i knew i was . Instead i relised that i leftit behind. How can i be anything with out you by my side . The only one who holds my heart and my soul in your hands . Even though i am miles away i know that you are looking after it  . I better stop this ridculious excusse for writting .. i hope my readers can realise that this is what has become of me . form a perrson who could renounce his un dying love for the most amzing person he has ever met to a random invidual who just wirtes cause he gets the warmth back now and agin

i still love you and i hope you are on the other side knowing the same thing
good night angel of mercy

i sit  in the cold holding on to small peices of my heart
second guessing the reason i am here , begging for a second start
i await the call the feeling to come back to me
turn what has become i back into a you and me
the length of time only makes me over think more
i just need you to pick me up off this floor
i am singing the song wheather you can hear me or not
sometimes i just hope you havent forgot
the songs that once filled my heart with writting and unforgetable sound
no seems to drive me crazy , attempting to swim but only left to drown
i know you are somewhere close and i will be there soon
i just long for it to be close to my silent moon
You left me twince and i still come running back for more
walking along a deserted place far from the shore
i lost dircetion but i know where i want to end
and for once i can honestly belive its more than just your friend

rough and scratchy i see that i will need work ..
sorry to dissapoint

I am looking around every day hoping to see a familiar face
but the harder I look the more I realise you are gone with out a trace
I rub my eyes and look again but my tears blind me like the rain
I look in my heart to just hoping to see you once again
the amount of times I have had to run and hide
playing hide and go seek with my own little lies
the truth is catching up with me you are far away
and I cant bring you back no matter what I say
Losing you brings back the writer I am scared to be
The one who is in love but still to blind to see
call my name and I will hear you loud and clear
as if you were still next to me whispering in my ear
The photos I keep are not you at all
they are just pictures of a girl on a wall
I need your love to hear my heart

Maybe we could delay life for a bit and go back to the start
You loved me once, forever  ,now and again
I fear now though things will never be the same
So as I lay my head to rest on this lonely night
now I will be calling on you my angel to help me win this fight

every morning I wake up to a day filled with rain

Over flowing with noise in my heart  just like my pain
I try to run through like I did in the past
but in stead of finishing first I always end up being last
I wait second after hour to get a single whisper of your voice
yet I am left to be alone ,and for the first time it is not by choice
I cant see you eyes and know how you are
it seems you lose allot from being so far

Sleeping had left me quite a while ago
but I can honestly say I am yet to finish my  show
The memories I keep will protect me in my dreams
and with the love of my angel I can win by all means
I wait now alone in the dark listening to the rain
hoping and praying that once again things could be the same ..

i love you ...

i could say it a thousand times over and i would still want to say it more. Words however get used so much things can become meaning less . at times i dont know whether to run and hide my self from the world the one i love and let things go on or push through wat people think what people say and live my life for me . however sometimes fate makes decisions for you and as mucha s fate has taking me over it can be a real bitch . Music has been saving my life and breaking my heart for the last 2 and a half years . Allways apassion allways a curse.. something i cant satnd to see but i cant stop looking . Almost like a unhealthy addiction you turn the radio off cause that song is playing .. but 2 seconds later you are sining that song and as hard as it is  to forgett you always remember where and what that song means to you sometimes more than others . Life can be like that . reliving past events can either make you or break you . A principle i once thought was . "Life can make you , life can break you or recreate you .. it just depends what you are willing to llive through" I have been broken into many shatterd pieces of glass.But If you build a puzzle to many times you begin to lose pieces. I am finding it hard to fix my puzzle sometimes i dont know whether i want to see my self whole again . i try and push peices under the carpet just to find them in the right position after one single blink. faster than what i thought my life would be i have fallen in love .. Can you blame me . Emotional guy teenage spirt and the one goal to be romantic .Maybe thats why i have a thing for love songs .. a desire to be the guy that gives the girl the most amazing years of her life . It seems however the harder i look for love the futher away i am pushed down this hill .. it took two nights of complete darkness .. silence and the wamth of the stars to get me back on track .A walk on black sands changed my life forever as if i didnt already have a story to tell. Your friends becaome see through and the love is the only thing you can see .. shades of ink cloud your judgment but you can still find the light in the darkest of corners . It took me 4 mins and 32 seconds to fall victum to vengance ,lust and the possibilty of innocence . i became a man that night . i didnt not need to drink . show any amount of muscle or smarts .. i found my place amongst the stars . as tears ran down my body ,i saw the light like standing in the rain .i had but one reason in life .No more hiding . from walking on black sands to finding my place among the stars .. i would stand under this rain of tears for aslong as i could be there . walking away was the biggest mistake i could ever make . ...

yet as  i leave the lonely night views next to moving lights .i feel i leave behind a soul waiting to be freed . one i should never have touched . but love drives people mad .the hardest set of thoughts i have been facing is the thought of what happens when i return . will this shinning light the purpose of my exsitsance still be here or will the light fade as mine has so many times . When i look up at the place i so long to be . i cant help but wonder do i deserve it . Can i com[pare my self to the innocence that is alonely star or do i see my self as the blak blanket that covers them ..? this confusion this addiction has caused my senses to drop to low levels .

Although i move . i never run .i am not afraid of the truth . i do not care about the consoquences
i just do not want to lose sight of the one thing i have never felt so passionate about
i love you
not because i can say these words
because i know what love means

 

the thought that we are all restricted to time and its many constraints still amazes me to this day . like playing hide and seek you are either in the lime light or hiding in the shadows waiting to be found there is never a guarntee on how long it could take or even if you could be found yet time passes and thing s change . Going away for a week and coming back has its disadvantages but leaving for a year or two changes an individual on such an extent . I my slef have gone through a transformation of sorts running around in a circle and picking up traits that i never knew i had yet also losing many i had come to love . they say change is good i beg to differ when you lose more than you gain .
I have fallen through many saftey nets lately and jumped off many cliffs(and sometimes bridges.. long story ) but its never the fall that freaks me out or the landing or even the idea of failing its the idea that i could still be caught before i fall . like this game you play with your mind . do i jump or let everything else get in the way first .
its this obssesion that has driven me to live a bit on the wild side by changing my apperance . habbits and often voice structure i tend to see who really knew me and who just acknowlaged the cover i wore . this is where i draw the line between freinds aquatenses and the occasional love river . you see a freind is some one you can trust .. care for .. have fun with ect ect .You never expect them to know detials about your life that are somewhat incriminating or by any means harmfull to your popularity status . Aquatincecs anre more on the lines of a steady handshake a beer in a bar or the odd lift home on a rainy night .. which leaves us with love . now you cant just place any one in one of these catagories and i dont mean to sterotype by any means ... yet there is a special place for love a place where you really have to acknowlage ,get to know an individual for who they are and not for the mask they ware every eving down the local for a small toss up between a beer or a cider .
A wise friend once told me in order to hate someone you would have at some stage loved them because with out knowing exactly what you hate about them you cant really hate them . no one on this place we call home can honestly hate an individual . maybe a idea ,thoeriory ,characteristsic about someone but never the person himself ....... (herself)

it has come to this conclusion that love is stronger than i thought . We all ways read about a underestimation about love but only once you experience it can you honestly understand what the hell every one is talking about .. ..
its a nice thought then to know if you love or are loved ..
and even if you are hated because some how somewhere  that individual loved you

 i will never stop loving you ...
untill i get some time
jonathan ..

 

its time i let g . move on  in a direction where every one can be happy. I say this every time yet i always end up bakc in this web i spun my self .. its not the same any more . i have done every thing i can . it only seems to hit you once you feel how cold the water really is . the surface will always be warm and like you heart it takes a while before you realsie how cold it can really be . my foot prints have never remained in the sand the way they do now . and instaed of trailing more than one foot print bside me all i have is the sahded friend following my every move. falling to my knees is a point i missed . it seems i have jumped through time missing al the signs showing you the right way to  go . in doing so i have destroyed the things i gave my life up for . we cant always get what we want in life .sometimes it takes allot of pain to bring others happiness . Lust can drive you crazy but love can burn a hole through your chest . The promises scar your skin and every fresh breze reminds you of where you once were in life. It has taken me alomng time to get my headd out of the clouds but recenlty i think i can see the ground again . and instead of hitting it running i am going to take my time and enjoy evry minute of it . I have lost to many wonders in life to pass by another island just becuase i was looking the wrong way . i have thrown many spanners in the works . fighting against the second hand . and sending dozens of bottled messages out to sea.I have no options left . It seems fading stars dont begin to shine again .
I have needed the help i have gained and it has made me become the person i swore i could become .
i have lost many pairs of shoes yet i still know how to tie my laces up and keep runnning . it might be in the wrong direction but its not the destination you must aim for but the journey to get there . I have undone my tie and unbuttoned this top .
I will never forget how i got here ... i will never forget which paths i took
down to every last flower . Down too laying here waiting for someone to leave a print in the grass next to me .
i have been swerwing out of control for a while .. trying to find away around potholes that never existed in the first place
dreams dont always come true but that doesnt mean i will ever stop dreaming ..

I am sorry i let you all down
but its time this light was turned off for a while
not because it cant shine or becasue it has no reason too
I have just learnt how too see in the dark

found the x to my y
thanx for cutting me lose
..........

The hardest  part of my life is chasing after the girl with the broken smile ...
Can some one please past me the remote to rewind .Every time i try i seem to fail . this vicious circle of lust and pain is eating my heart inside out . by the time i get to find the only person who can fix my broken mirror i would have finished this race alone .i cant live in the shadows for ever yet when i take the chance by following the light i always get burned . and although i have burst many bubles in my time and followed many signal lights in my life only one scar hasnt healed. Forever to remain by my side a irritation that will drive me crazy yet one i could never live with out .You grace me with your presence yet scar me with you smiles .. we cant all follow the same star in life . yet the only one i can keep sight on seems to be fading and i can do nothing about it .every night i lay and watch the stars hovver above me in the black ocean of dreams.. life passes you by and time begins to slow down .. you can recall any memorie you want to .. it just depends which ones come first ...as the street lights dim you can see the full extent of your imagination. You beg and pleed for the one moment that one shooting star to wish apon ... yet every time you close your eyes and try to suprise your self you are sadly dissapointed ...

i leave you mnow with this :

i will forever hold you close
forever in my mind my heart and my soul
you dont have to look for me cause i will always be there
all you have to do is  .....
belive me ...
i not going anywhere you cant reach me
forever waiting for the silent moon

i fear i am to late .
you may have run but i ended up in my destend fate
the insperationto my heart ,the beat that rules a song
i always knew some how i was wrong
you gave me hope and love above all else
but istead of imbracing i shadowed my slef
now i remain in the shadows of life
watching, waiting, fearing the fight
you smile like the sun will always shine
yet on this dark earth you will never be mine
i have lost the touch the hope and dreams
smashed all the photos , i broke at the seems
You deserve better i know its true
its a shame how ever that i will always love you
Forever in lust and longing for more
i will now beging striching the heart i once tore
walk on and never foregtt who you are
because only you could have made it this far
thank you for being your slef
because with out you i would be alone with out any one else ..

if only ... if only i saw it ..
Most say you cant blame your self . it wasnt like i was expecting it i just .. i wasnt looking .
the most times in life we arnt looking at the finer detail . this one was important .
but as curel as it was i will stay strong and pushy through its not like i havent done this before right i mean can iit get any worse than the point of no return ?
come out with things unsaid the conversation was one i needed to hear ..
maybe i will take the risk one day and call back ... buit only when i know what to say
if only i wasnt so scred to talk to the perosn who should be in my life
the one i miss ,the one i need to hear..
the part of the cure .. yet a unformidable past
i promise .. i will do you proud ...
and then... i will come home

i am so scared .. scared that i will never be who i really am ...
It seems the longer i walk the sooner i lose my way back..
i am not lost i just cant rtrace my steps ... in a time when all i can do is run i am getting further and futher away from the truth.. i dont know where i belong any more and i dont think i am anything to be close to not know at least . lost and in pain i am told to stick it through or share the pain amongst freiends this is my burden to walk across the desert sands with not any ones elses. this might not be my time to shine ... alothough i might not fall either but its this drive this constant depowerment inside of me that is breking down barrirers and turning all my beliefs into unimaginal destortions of life .

i am so scared i am going to hurt the next thing i touch like a walking flame i burn all that i touch and yet cannot find my own way . i am yet to drown but still alive . its limbo with out knowing it .... why though why ?

why cant i just click and there i am the guy every one loves ...
the reason ...

if i knew i wouldnt be running

you have no reason to worry i am fighting my own battle ...
i cant promise you love ..i cant show you hate ....
i will never disown you but never be there forever ...
i am walking on broken glass and trying to find my way home ..
its just i dont know which way to turn .. because the futher i run in the wrong direction the greater pain i will have to get through to turn around ..
i didnt ask to be alone
i dont hold bak but i dont live
i can say the words i keep
yet the words i say are not who i am

i know i have not given in
i just don know who I is any more

a second touch makes you relive our life
a time well spent and momments remembered.
I am yet to spend a moment alone where i dont feel the past knocking at my door.
Its so eays to fall down when there is no one there to pick you up .
But falling is the least of your problems,the time before is the hardest stretch .
Most of us know when we are about to jump and yet we still do .
To Tell the Honest truth would be lieing to my own cause .
Today i witnessed something i will never forget .The honesty of love.
A passion 3 moves less of an emotion .Insetead of running in fear i stay to watch ...
i know whats going to happen i have read all the star signs .. yet i stay and watch
I have my slef to blame instead of closing my eyes and telling my self a lie
i Watch and let my eyes burn .. not becasue i want to or because i can ..
more becuase i would rather be my self than judge my own character ..
with out your self who can you be .. and who can belong with you ....
I can find it if i lookhard enough i just dont know which direction to go
there are to many search lights in the world ...

a thought that once crossed my mind

For a day in the dark  I feel no love, for a moment in silence I see no pain ,for a bed of roses i feel no sorrow ,for a moment alone i run forever.. Because the sight of truth blinds my past and hides the sound that never fades

thanx for reading

 

This is a hard on to write... but i will try my best...

Friday night 11:54p

I have just arrived at the beach expecting a laugh .Friends have just drove all the way from my house to the beach a formidable trip I must tell you .Instantly the first reaction at this time of night and alcohol consumption is to feel the temperature of the water . I on the other hand begin to open my eyes and realise where I was. I turn in the direction of darkness and begin my walk. A song resounding in my head I can barely remember the words. From the white rolling sand down to the calm and black ocean. The tranquillity of these moments made me realise I was still alive. Still alive after everything I had been through. The sound of the ocean the subtle breeze on my shoulder, I found my self alone in the dark .There I lay on my back and looked at the night sky. The contrast between the bright stars and the pitch black sky was exactly as the beach to the sea. If there was any moment to share with the person you care for this would be it. I didn’t need any words or any light.

The truth for the first time ever had hit me .I found my self sitting in complete darkness and thinking way too much. Upon a particular thought a sudden gust of wind caught my hair .Instantly the clouds moved over and the moon began to shine on me. With the odd Hotel light and the moon shining on me I cast two shadows on the soft vacant sand .I wasn’t alone and the more. Like some sort of phenomenon I felt her... she was next to me and i might have been dreaming but i knew that she was there .i couldn’t feel her warmth but her shadow was enough to tell me everything was going to be alright .My angel of mercy had arrived. I thought she left me a while back but it seemed she hadn’t given up on me.  I stood up and slowly made my way to the water to try and wake my self up ,the more I moved the warmer my heart got. I suddenly hit a point where I was crying and couldn’t move any more .There was no way after everything I had been though that she would stay by my side. I put my hands up and fell to my knees asking the unthinkable why question we all have in our hearts. Again I was given no answer... with the sand running through my fingers and the vision of  my guardian angel in my head i decided to turn around and get my life back .. I changed forever in that one moment... i could see her shadow but i was beginning to lose her warmth. As any one would I decided to take the chance turn around and ask for forgiveness. As I turned my back I was left with the rolling dunes in the distance. I knew what had to be done.  I realised that my angel had not come to me but was  calling me back to the place where I once was. Calling me to come and take back the person I can’t see. She opened my eyes and gave me hope that their is a second chance. And that I was not alone. With the final tear running down my face I turned back to face the silent night. I stood up tall ... the song in my head was so clear i could feel the words .

I will never forget what i was told that night .. As I made my way back to the lighter area of the beach I began to run .From a steady jog to a all out fight against my will. With the rush of blood to my head, the wind forcing me backwards and the water beneath my feet ....I was on the road back to where I was meant to be ... I Am coming home... i just hope they are still waiting .. I don’t know where, confused about how as well ... I just know... i am running in the right direction 

 

happy haloween non existant readers...

it was that time of year again. Open up your doors to strangers and give them all the awesome stuff in your house because they dressed up.. I had a great one this year .Imagine a 6 guy poker dress up night .. turning into a 12 people drinking session.Thats right all the poker plyers had dressed up .We had , jack the raper, Jesus ,mohamedafokme, a vampwhore and a fairy.. but we cant leave out the pink nakedforce male power ranger . These are meomries i will never forgett. a bunch of half naked matrics running up the street at 10 trying to get the left over sweets from a night well spent.Besides the boxes of smarties a couple of chewy sweets and the odd sour worm i would say we did well .. to top the night off we took a  chance by knocking the door on a sweet little old lady cottage on th top of  a huge hill . To our surprise the owners seem to have run out of sweets so they gave us a beer instead what ledgends.. so now we have indecent exposure(men running around in boxers) and drinking in public offense but we are only 18 and its late what are the chances right ?

.. well when i saw the white light of a  car crawling up a hill i thought someone is going to get a fright .. turned out we were the ones getting a frioght when it was the  cops coming to say hi .. never in my life have i thrown a beer on the ground . i deserve to be shot ..  i do apologise to all those heineken fans i did you bad .. after a few indecent acts a couple of eggs and a few stubborn houses we headded back to discover a overly drunk parents sloshing more than words . in happy  with the situation we took a a few more drinks had a fat dance to strobe lights and then headded for the beach for a walk on black sand.. .. a risky drive a few speeding fines and bright flashes but a all round awesome night .. you guys are such amazing freinds .. only two people were missing in my heart from this event but thats for another day or in this case night !!

Moments in life are such amzing items of our lifes.I recently shared a rememberance with a close freind. I have never wanted to cry so  much in my entire life . For every moment in our conversation i could feel what i was saying see who i was talking about and it felt as if i had lost a part of my life my soul and who i had become .This longing for completion and overall happiness as givin me such an amazing drive to do things . every one has to walk alone on the sand once in thier life i just dont think i can do it an more .I think the lyrics from dashboard confessionals best describe the way i felt looking back at the beautiful ,happy almost  inccent times i had they go something like this ...
i am selfsh, i am wrong,....i am right, i sware i am right, sware i knew it all along,.....i am flawed but i am i cleaning up so well..... i am seeing in me now the things you sware you saw you sore your self so clear ...

Like a long romantic story I am living in my own dream world. one day hopefully the love of my life will read theses thoughts of reputition and realise that maybe there is more to life than a smile and converstation .It obviously depends one the way you look at it .its funny how you find the freind sof a life time in one minute. as i go i remeber the simple things i have lernt . i still hope that one day these people will miss me when i am gone ...

4 days left and i look at every one more individually trying to keep their images in my head ....

A Distant Stare  13:20-20:10:08

You stare into nothing looking for truth
you have ben trapped to waste your youth
you cry alone but cannot ask for help
instead you live life all by your self

you are second guessing every move you make
from the reason you are trapped to your firstdate
you push on and smile because you must
you long for love ,the comfort of lust

yet you are bound to the thoughts you keep
destroying you slowly making it impossible to sleep
you sing your song looking for reason
continuasly make life more uneven

fight for yourself, blieve in you
dont let go when you know it's true
you are worth more than others say
and you can live your life in your own way

so Stand up tall and let your beauty shine
take your final leap and know you will be just Fine

written for ......(to be added later )

 chow

i know it makes no sense ..... but after 12 years of school and fighting agaisnt the current trying to get out ..No one is leaving . to scared of the sad goodbyes and leaving the routine of day in day out work . Biggest fears is not seeing the people you dont even talk to .those one or two friends who hug you hello and good bye every day .The idiot at the back of the class room that makes all the stupid commements.This next week is the final time i will get to walk through halls trying to rush to class or watch the time freeze during a double lesson .We are all about to lose the random individuals that ment nothing to us but completely made our final year memorable. like behind closed doors we say good bye and all step in different directions.we lose the saftey of our personal door mats and walk on to a new doorbell. life is calling our names and we are all somehow not listnening .these last few days ahave been tough.numerous occasions of guilt and loneliness but i guess we all go through a few bad weeks .And a bad case of sun burn doesnt help the cause .I am continusly finding more people that know me but i dont know them . Are they reading a  my autobiography i havent written yet or is someone spreading my cause .All i know is i can ring more than a few doorbells next year than i expected..

Run ... run as fast as you can .In any direction you want take your time and dont look back . alone and in the dark ,give up and you will be stuck in the same place you left from . look around you and realise that you are alone . these streetlights wont be on forever and as much as you wish it were true stop thinking you can do it later . your song is losing its lyrics and your voice is begining to fade . for once every sound and sight is leaving you . the longer you try to hold on the worse you become . time is against you and the futher you travel the longer it takes to get back . running in cirlces you can never follow the bread crums to the saftey of new begingngs . This will be the last time you grab your keys and walk out . the harder you scream the more you forget the words. the memories will burn you . you will become what you have lived and not who you could have become . the signs are passing you from every direction stop thinking about where they take you and find out . you cant run forever but you can hide just dont hide alon . The good parts are with you all the time hurry up and open your heart and let them in . The secret is in your self stop diging and realise you miss her . look up for once in your life

i guess being 18 means booze booze and a little village called stellenboch ...
mistakenly its full of heartbreak and a little thing called rejection . its amazing how so many things that feel so right are viewd as being wrong and no i am not reffering to the 17 shots of death that were found on the pavements this morning but rather the truth of how weak and jelous people can get with regards to relationships and "lust". I had a long time in stellboch . missed a few of my closest friends and had a long walk between to clubs to realise my direction in life ... but i still am lost in my own health.Most curiously i found out that you dont always have a good time when you think your freinds will make an event . yurns out being single is harder than most people say .I lern things the hard way and lets say jelousy is a huge factor when you want to get over love/lust. A life time to make the correct life desicions yet i have learnt more in the last two years than my entire 18 years ,3 and a half weeks of existstance....
turns out that i didnt know what lust was untill recently . UCT here i come ... Save your sympathy ,Now you welcome me to town called hypcrocsy

I guess the asperation to write is drawing me closer every day .i have no intentions of writing every day but feeling alone can do this to people . Its like you have been driving for hours at night . the street lights passing shadows through the windows and the occasional coldplay song in the backround .. this silence this tranquilty has recently consumed me .Idont have many addictions but i guess living alone has became my curse . No matter how many stps are made on this journey you cant find what you are looking for and you can never get bord of that one cd playing over and over . the only theing that keeps you sane is the conversation you force to take time away .The selection of words is merly a sentimental gesture to making the other person feel as if its a productive conversation.You start things off by arrivinbg but the second you get there you want to leave. I say every one has had these days at least once or twice in a year . Is'nt enevitable though .we are so caught up with repition .. the scond we get off we repeat the same fake smiles and i deas .. will we ever be free? destressing is often the answer . it seems however i can only drive in circles .... going to try get over it ....chaz

Wait

lost in love i sit alone
forever in the middle without a home
stuck to choose a way to go
the desicion is one i clearly know

the one disowns me the other is alone
minutes becaome hours next to the broken phone
i live to hear a voice
but as i wait i still cant make a choice

beauty decives me and my eyes are drawn near
but i know i am always to scared to hear
they both wait for a dream to become real

songs become tribute and words are deep
resounding on pages making it impossible to sleep
take the chance and jump to run
or sit in virtue and fear the gun

my choice is clear as black and white
but it seems the longer i wait the sooner i lose the fight

11:40

...........................
i guess that no matter what you do or say pen on paper still seems to have more of a voice ... this is copy write by the way so dont even try instead ask me and i will send you a copy .....the next one was a instant ... one of those reach out to do something you wouldnt ... turn around and  write instead ... i hope i dont live the rest of my life like this .. i cant hide behind broken pages forever

Instantanious feeling

A cry ,a laugh , a hug a smile
the things i would do to get closer than a mile
i need not see i need not hear
i live to feel but wait in fear

so close so far i reach my hands out
the words i get levae me in doubt
to beautiful to be shy to alone to care
just given a chance i can remove the glare

you are amazing and i can show you
i dont care what you day i know its true
you underestimate me and why i am here
i dont give up not on you i am not even near

just turn arounf and let me give you a hug
no instead you sit and think on how to push and shove
i can feel your beauty and kiss your voice
at this point in your life i am not your choice

so i will run alone bcak to the place where i got lost
look for me and you will see nothing but my ghost
stop crying in your sleep and wake up from this dream
take my hand and let me show you what i mean

.very un proffesional but hey we all start some where ... guesss i start alone ...

 

for a guy about to leave high school its about time that memoeries and true life tales get imposed in a place where the mind can rest12 years of school amazing freinds.. lots learnt .. but i still cant spell so  guess this is the end of my career.18 and living life to the full unable to make decisons on life in general but sure as hell can read the minds and decisons of others. i guess we all see what we know is wrong but never look in the mirrior .. i planing on checking who sees these posts .. if any one i dont know does i will have to hestitate to publish my writting but maybe i will give it a shot . so i have a decison to make a big choice between over seas and the place every one is suggesting .. Rhodes uni. being 18 is hard and i have 3 days to make up my mind .. but dont worry its not like i am in matric or anything ... so i guess this is my good bye .. chat soon